Porky's Revenge (1985)

imdb

R

"This has got more beaver in it than the entire state of Wisconsin."

Ok, first things first. A friend questioned why I would impose the same criteria on movies that may vary stylistically (i.e. He thought I was too harsh on CaveGirl.) While I think that is a valid argument, my intention is not to use a subjective approach here. My intended approach is to apply a single formula derived from the greatest film(s) in the 80’s-sex-comedy genre to more obscure or lost films. After I get a few more films up here I intend to present an exhaustive data analysis as to flesh out some conclusions and perhaps improve the formula.

Back to the task at hand…. I hadn’t watched this movie in many years and only could remember bits and pieces. In fact, I only have a vague recollection of the whole franchise, so re-watching the last one first may or may not make a lot of sense. What I do know is that the first movie in the trilogy may be the Citizen Kane of the whole genre, but we’ll get to that one eventually.

1. NERDS!: In the mid-1950’s the social factions must have been defined differently than today (or not defined at all). As a Gen-Xer, I have a hard time relating to this concept. Pee-Wee and Billy are totally nerds, however they hang out with the jock (Meat) and the Face-man (Tommy). I need a member of the “Silent Generation” to chime in on this. How nerdy are these guys?

5/10

2. JOCKS!: Wow, I’m totally out of my element here. Jocks usually exhibit super-human strength, acute anger management disorder, and a complete lack of cunning. Meat occupies some sort of middle ground, but he does have like 5 dates for prom.

7/10

3. BABES!: Wendy is back. Inga (Kim Evenson) is fresh out of the Sept 84 Playboy. A shotgun wedding to Blossom doesn’t seem like a terrible deal. Miss Webster gives a great performance here too with a drawn out dominatrix scene. My only complaint is the babes comprise a sub-subplot of the film and the naked dudes/babes quotient is way too high.

7/10

4. NERD BABE RELATIONS!: The only guys seeing any action in this one are Meat and the crusty old High School Chaplain. Pee-Wee and the rest of the crew have their pants off a lot (A LOT!), but don’t get very far.

3/10

5. TIMELESSNESS!: Not bad. Sequels usually rehash jokes and plotlines, so that always hurts, but this one kind of neatly wraps up the whole trilogy and I found myself enjoying it again.

7/10

6. STEREOTYPES!: This is the 3^rd movie in a series that pretty much took the anti-PC movement to un-sustainable heights. By association or on its own merits, this one deserves a lot of credit.

10/10

7. MUSIC!: Not a central focus here. Some catchy tunes (like "High School Nights" during the credits), there actually was a soundtrack release too. A weird Willie Nelson montage featuring Ms. Balbricker will stick in your mind.

5/10

8. COMPUTERS!: Well, obviously the period of this movie puts it at a severe disadvantage. So, if I am allowed to reach there is: an animatronic pig, stag films in the audio-visual room, telephoto lenses, and slot machines that pay off if you have sex on them.

6/10

9. PERVERTS!: See Stereotypes for the reasoning here. If there was a pervert hall of fame, Pee-Wee would be an inaugural member.

10/10

10. MAJOR PARTY!: They almost had prom. Meat almost got married. There was a short Pool Party that almost descended into a Roman Orgy. There is also the state championship game. That was kinda like a party scene and it was pretty good.

9/10

TOTAL SCORE

69/100

CaveGirl (1985)

imdb

R

OK, well, this movie has a lot going for it... and it is all in the trailer (SFW). (There is a NSFW trailer, I'll let you look for it.) In fact, if the trailer would have been about 30 seconds longer it would have been perfect and you could have skipped the movie. Somebody did go through all the trouble of releasing this on DVD though, and I think I know the only reason why...

1. NERDS!: So this Rex (Daniel Roebuck) guy went on to have a pretty long and solid career. I'm willing to bet he quit auditioning for nerd character roles after this one. For some reason I find pasty/doughy nerds off-putting. Something I could probably overlook if it wasn't for the excessively tight "Big & Tall" jeans he is wearing throughout the film?

3/10

2. JOCKS!: I have a theory that every great cinematic Jock/Face-man is just playing out his daily routine in every film. Like they aren't hired for their acting ability but instead for their reputation for terrorizing nerds and hazing pledges during their high school/college years. I think these guys were hired for their willingness to work for food.

2/10

3. BABES!: Remember where I said I knew the solitary reason for releasing this on DVD? It's for the "opening gambit" (wo)men's locker room scene. Reach for the zoom and slo-mo my friends, you don't have to be ashamed anymore. As for the rest of the movie, Eba is so smokin' she was probably the inspiration for Clan of the Cave Bear. Pretty much the only saving grace of the movie.

9/10

4. NERD BABE RELATIONS!: Sausage fingers and hot babes... cringe-worthy. I think Rex must have given up love scenes after this one too?

2/10

5. TIMELESSNESS!: As long as the trailer exists, I never need to watch this one again.

1/10

6. STEREOTYPES!: I can't really think of any anti-PC humor? Although the physics professor has crazy hair, is morbidly obese, and has a very loose grasp of nuclear fission.

1/10

7. MUSIC!: Not a bad soundtrack. I was almost astonished here... repetitive keyboard music aside. The montages may be some of the worst of all time though. There is a "special" chase scene where a largerish cave girl wants to put her cave-shirt over Rex's head followed by an extended shaving cream fight (which inexplicably does not involve Eba). Finally there is one more extended scene where Eba and Rex get inexplicably separated after a night of drinking and can't find each other for what seemed like 45 minutes.

4/10

8. COMPUTERS!: There are some guys shooting missiles from a helicopter in the desert for no apparent reason. Their control center looks like it was constructed from rejected pieces of the Star Trek TOS set. I can dig it.

6/10

9. PERVERTS!: Rex fills the role here. He is pretty painful and awkward 100% of the time, but he does have an unrepentant face-sitting fetish. AND given the fact that we have to look at his face the whole movie, I found myself thinking: "Please, for the love of God, somebody sit on his face already."

7/10

10. MAJOR PARTY!: So the only thing that qualifies for a party here is the cannibal ritual scene with the freaky chick with the freaky bug eyes freak-dancing around waving an insane stone-axe. On second thought, that was pretty cool.

7/10

TOTAL SCORE

42/100

Just One of the Guys (1985)

imdb

PG-13

1. NERDS!: Although the nerds do not play a central role in this one, they are well represented. Noted nerdy character actors Stuart Charno and Arye Gross play a reptile nut and a star trek dork respectively. They are regularly terrorized by a certain blonde antagonist, so there is a lot to like here.

9/10

2. JOCKS!: ZABKA!!! and Leigh J. McCloskey as preppy frat-guy Kevin. A dynamic duo to be reckoned with.

10/10

3. BABES!: Between Terry, Tony, Sherilyn and (Parker Lewis' pal) Buddy's poster collection there are plenty. The payoff at the end is a monumental cinematic triumph.

8/10

4. NERD BABE RELATIONS!: Well it appears that the nerds are accompanying dudes and 12 year olds to prom, so there is that. Rick doesn't exactly qualify as a nerd, and his reaction to the "unleashing" is unconceivable. Buddy makes good though.

7/10

5. TIMELESSNESS!: This one has a lot of the key commandments covered. There is especially a lot going on in the background, so rewatch-ability is high.

8/10

6. STEREOTYPES!: Uh, this one is about stereotypes.

10/10

7. MUSIC!: Another 80's movie with known radio-played tunes. Live band at the prom

9/10

8. COMPUTERS!: Not much here either.

0/10

9. PERVERTS!: Buddy!!! Who didn't know this guy in Jr. High?

10/10

10. MAJOR PARTY!: Prom at the beach, fights, gender-bending dates and monumental moments in cinematic history.

10/10

TOTAL SCORE

81/100

Back to School (1986)

imdb

PG-13

1. NERDS!: Jason Melon and Derek (roommate) are the only ones who qualify here. They aren't so much "nerds" as they are "losers". I don't find Jason as likeable, but Derek is kind of endearing in a proto-goth sort of way.

5/10

2. JOCKS!: ZABKA!!!

10/10

3. BABES!: Sally Kellerman and Dax from DS9, host of extras, clothes stay on (one exception). Well below average for this genre. How does this even get up to PG-13?

3/10

4. NERD BABE RELATIONS!: Now I can see Sally and Rodney hooking up, but Jason and Dax? Dax picks Jason over Zabka when Jason acts like a wet-blanket alcoholic tool all movie? There's no evidence they "did it" anyway, and you know Zabka got some of that!!!

5/10

5. TIMELESSNESS!: Because it falls short on several of my key elements I don't find myself reaching for this one very often, although I admit I did watch it a lot when I was a kid.

5/10

6. STEREOTYPES!: Outside of the professors, not a lot of stereotype or politically incorrect humor comes to mind. This movie is more a vehicle for Rodney's self deprecating humor. Ageism perhaps?

5/10

7. MUSIC!: The movie is very strong here. The theme is catchy. Elfman/Oingo Boingo etc.

10/10

8. COMPUTERS!: Not much here.

0/10

9. PERVERTS!: Well, there is Derek and Paulie from Rocky. Rodney ain't no slouch himself. "What's your favorite subject?"

9/10

10. MAJOR PARTY!: Yes, indeed. Didn't get too out of hand though.

8/10

TOTAL SCORE

60/100

I need to get a few more of these on here before I get a feel for the bell curve. Feel free to agree disagree in the comments below.