CaveGirl (1985)

imdb

R

OK, well, this movie has a lot going for it... and it is all in the trailer (SFW). (There is a NSFW trailer, I'll let you look for it.) In fact, if the trailer would have been about 30 seconds longer it would have been perfect and you could have skipped the movie. Somebody did go through all the trouble of releasing this on DVD though, and I think I know the only reason why...

1. NERDS!: So this Rex (Daniel Roebuck) guy went on to have a pretty long and solid career. I'm willing to bet he quit auditioning for nerd character roles after this one. For some reason I find pasty/doughy nerds off-putting. Something I could probably overlook if it wasn't for the excessively tight "Big & Tall" jeans he is wearing throughout the film?

3/10

2. JOCKS!: I have a theory that every great cinematic Jock/Face-man is just playing out his daily routine in every film. Like they aren't hired for their acting ability but instead for their reputation for terrorizing nerds and hazing pledges during their high school/college years. I think these guys were hired for their willingness to work for food.

2/10

3. BABES!: Remember where I said I knew the solitary reason for releasing this on DVD? It's for the "opening gambit" (wo)men's locker room scene. Reach for the zoom and slo-mo my friends, you don't have to be ashamed anymore. As for the rest of the movie, Eba is so smokin' she was probably the inspiration for Clan of the Cave Bear. Pretty much the only saving grace of the movie.

9/10

4. NERD BABE RELATIONS!: Sausage fingers and hot babes... cringe-worthy. I think Rex must have given up love scenes after this one too?

2/10

5. TIMELESSNESS!: As long as the trailer exists, I never need to watch this one again.

1/10

6. STEREOTYPES!: I can't really think of any anti-PC humor? Although the physics professor has crazy hair, is morbidly obese, and has a very loose grasp of nuclear fission.

1/10

7. MUSIC!: Not a bad soundtrack. I was almost astonished here... repetitive keyboard music aside. The montages may be some of the worst of all time though. There is a "special" chase scene where a largerish cave girl wants to put her cave-shirt over Rex's head followed by an extended shaving cream fight (which inexplicably does not involve Eba). Finally there is one more extended scene where Eba and Rex get inexplicably separated after a night of drinking and can't find each other for what seemed like 45 minutes.

4/10

8. COMPUTERS!: There are some guys shooting missiles from a helicopter in the desert for no apparent reason. Their control center looks like it was constructed from rejected pieces of the Star Trek TOS set. I can dig it.

6/10

9. PERVERTS!: Rex fills the role here. He is pretty painful and awkward 100% of the time, but he does have an unrepentant face-sitting fetish. AND given the fact that we have to look at his face the whole movie, I found myself thinking: "Please, for the love of God, somebody sit on his face already."

7/10

10. MAJOR PARTY!: So the only thing that qualifies for a party here is the cannibal ritual scene with the freaky chick with the freaky bug eyes freak-dancing around waving an insane stone-axe. On second thought, that was pretty cool.

7/10

TOTAL SCORE

42/100

Just One of the Guys (1985)

imdb

PG-13

1. NERDS!: Although the nerds do not play a central role in this one, they are well represented. Noted nerdy character actors Stuart Charno and Arye Gross play a reptile nut and a star trek dork respectively. They are regularly terrorized by a certain blonde antagonist, so there is a lot to like here.

9/10

2. JOCKS!: ZABKA!!! and Leigh J. McCloskey as preppy frat-guy Kevin. A dynamic duo to be reckoned with.

10/10

3. BABES!: Between Terry, Tony, Sherilyn and (Parker Lewis' pal) Buddy's poster collection there are plenty. The payoff at the end is a monumental cinematic triumph.

8/10

4. NERD BABE RELATIONS!: Well it appears that the nerds are accompanying dudes and 12 year olds to prom, so there is that. Rick doesn't exactly qualify as a nerd, and his reaction to the "unleashing" is unconceivable. Buddy makes good though.

7/10

5. TIMELESSNESS!: This one has a lot of the key commandments covered. There is especially a lot going on in the background, so rewatch-ability is high.

8/10

6. STEREOTYPES!: Uh, this one is about stereotypes.

10/10

7. MUSIC!: Another 80's movie with known radio-played tunes. Live band at the prom

9/10

8. COMPUTERS!: Not much here either.

0/10

9. PERVERTS!: Buddy!!! Who didn't know this guy in Jr. High?

10/10

10. MAJOR PARTY!: Prom at the beach, fights, gender-bending dates and monumental moments in cinematic history.

10/10

TOTAL SCORE

81/100

Back to School (1986)

imdb

PG-13

1. NERDS!: Jason Melon and Derek (roommate) are the only ones who qualify here. They aren't so much "nerds" as they are "losers". I don't find Jason as likeable, but Derek is kind of endearing in a proto-goth sort of way.

5/10

2. JOCKS!: ZABKA!!!

10/10

3. BABES!: Sally Kellerman and Dax from DS9, host of extras, clothes stay on (one exception). Well below average for this genre. How does this even get up to PG-13?

3/10

4. NERD BABE RELATIONS!: Now I can see Sally and Rodney hooking up, but Jason and Dax? Dax picks Jason over Zabka when Jason acts like a wet-blanket alcoholic tool all movie? There's no evidence they "did it" anyway, and you know Zabka got some of that!!!

5/10

5. TIMELESSNESS!: Because it falls short on several of my key elements I don't find myself reaching for this one very often, although I admit I did watch it a lot when I was a kid.

5/10

6. STEREOTYPES!: Outside of the professors, not a lot of stereotype or politically incorrect humor comes to mind. This movie is more a vehicle for Rodney's self deprecating humor. Ageism perhaps?

5/10

7. MUSIC!: The movie is very strong here. The theme is catchy. Elfman/Oingo Boingo etc.

10/10

8. COMPUTERS!: Not much here.

0/10

9. PERVERTS!: Well, there is Derek and Paulie from Rocky. Rodney ain't no slouch himself. "What's your favorite subject?"

9/10

10. MAJOR PARTY!: Yes, indeed. Didn't get too out of hand though.

8/10

TOTAL SCORE

60/100

I need to get a few more of these on here before I get a feel for the bell curve. Feel free to agree disagree in the comments below.